tram

Lisbon, 2022

The tram driver was shouting at the van driver. The van driver was yelling back.

I don't speak much Portuguese, but based on body language and tone of voice, I was certain a lot of swear words and insults were being hurled back and forth. The air was thick with tension and we passengers had no idea what was going on.

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Lisbon is famous for its classic Remodelado trams, and the city has used trams for public transportation since the 1870s. While the trams are tourist attractions, they're also vital components of the city's public transportation network, as they cover areas where the metro and modern Articulado trams cannot go.

Lisbon's trams are convenient and efficient. And if you load up a metro card and use it to pay when you board a tram, the fare is only €1.50, regardless of the length of your trip, as opposed to €3 if you pay with cash.

(Side note: You can only pay for fares with a metro card or with cash, no credit cards.)

Tourists flock to Tram 28, which carves a route through the oldest part of the city and passes by numerous attractions. The 28 has two endpoints: Martim Moniz to the east and Campo de Ourique/Prazeres Cemetery to the west.

(Another side note: the 28 line is famous for pickpockets, so much so that there are signs warning people about them. Just be careful and alert and you should be fine.)

Something else that's important to know is that it's not uncommon for Portuguese drivers to park wherever they damn well please, even if it's on a sidewalk or double-parked in the street, which makes things tricky on narrow medieval streets.

Our Airbnb was in Campo de Ourique and, on the day I'm about to describe, we had decided to ride the entire tram line end to end.

When we first boarded the #28, the driver was tersely explaining to a tourist that only cash was accepted, not credit cards. The tourist pulled out a large bill to pay the fare and the tram operator made change quickly while sighing impatiently.

And then we were off. The tram moved east, stopping every few blocks to let people off and on. Unlike during the summer months, the inside wasn't fully packed with people, which was a nice change.

Every now and then the tram would slow down while the driver carefully eased by a parked car close to the tracks. Or, he would have to stop entirely due to a double-parked vehicle. Every time, he would shake his head in irritation or, if the delay was lengthy by his standards, he'd clang the tram's bell to let the offending car driver know that they were holding things up.

Then we hit the Baixa neighborhood, which is the heart of Lisbon's tourist area. At this point, the tram had to frequently slow down or stop because of people walking across the road or actually standing in the road taking pictures. As you might imagine, this did not please our driver, who would shake his head and mutter loudly.

After crossing Baixa, the tram headed up the hill into the Alfama neighborhood, which is one of the oldest parts of the city. Because Alfama is both old and also spread out over one of Lisbon's huge hills, the roads are narrow and twisty.

As we climbed, the tram had to stop because of a construction vehicle blocking the road. With no sense of urgency or awareness of our driver's increasing irritation, the construction crew helped direct their vehicle back into a parking spot. The driver of the vehicle moved slowly and carefully, as befitted maneuvering in a cramped medieval street.

Our tram driver had had enough. He got off the tram and had words with the construction crew, who seemed amused by the anger displayed in front of them. Then our guy boarded the tram — once again shaking his head and muttering loudly — and the #28 once again moved forward.

The tram stopped at the Lisbon Cathedral, which is one of the most popular spots on the line, and all but about 10 passengers disembarked. #28 continued on.

Several blocks later, one of the tourists on the tram leaned out the window to take a photo — there are signs on board specifically warning against doing this very stupid thing — and of course she dropped her phone. Her companions started yelling for the tram driver to stop, which he did with obvious reluctance. The driver opened the rear door for the woman to go collect her phone off the pavement.

And then, so help me, our guy closed the rear door and I truly thought he was going to leave the woman behind. But he was only sticking to protocol, which is that passengers board at the front and get off at the rear. Yes, he seriously made the woman get back on via the front door. Honestly, I can't believe he didn't charge her a second fare.

Once again, we started up and we made it an entire two blocks without any mishaps until we turned onto a really narrow street and came to an abrupt stop. Coming at us from the opposite direction was not only a panel van but behind it was another tram. The road was so narrow that there was nowhere for the van to go but forward.

Our driver, now close to his breaking point, got off and started yelling at the van driver. The van driver yelled back. Back and forth they yelled. The second tram driver joined them and appeared to try to mediate the dispute.

Then our guy stormed back to the tram, grabbed a long metal tool — imagine a 2-foot long wrench — and stomped to the back of the tram. He threw the tool down to the floor with a great deal of disgust and anger, and the tool landed with a loud clang and bounced once.

Our driver started slamming levers and moving tram parts around in order to back up the tram. And yes, of course, he was huffing and puffing and griping in Portuguese.

(Note to self: Learn Portuguese curse words before our next trip.)

The tram backed up slowly for about a block, then stopped. The other tram driver had followed us on foot. Our driver got off again and the two men conferred with each other, colleague to colleague.

Our guy got back on the back of the tram and slowly backed us farther down the road, while the second driver continued to walk alongside. At the point where there was a curve in the road and a second set of tracks, our driver stopped and the second tram driver physically switched the tracks and guided the tram pole from one overhead power line to another, using a rope attached for that purpose. Then we backed up a bit more.

At this point, the driver of the panel van hauled ass down the road and passed us, never once making eye contact with our driver.

The second driver went back to his tram and drove it down the hill, passed us, and stopped just beyond. Then he hopped out once more to help our driver come back around the corner, move the tram pole from one power line to another, and change the tracks. The two colleagues exchanged a few quiet words, then each moved back to his respective tram and continued on.

After that, we all sat in silence, not wanting to do or say anything that might enrage our driver. We made it to the end of the line and got off.

As we walked away, we made eye contact with another couple who had been on the wild ride and one of them said, "Well, that was something."