houseboat

Copenhagen, 2015.

I've mentioned this before, but we really like staying in Airbnbs or other residential properties instead of hotels. We've stayed in some interesting ones over the years — most have been pretty normal houses and apartments — but without a doubt, the quirkiest one we've ever stayed in was a houseboat in Copenhagen.

The houseboat was located on a lovely canal that was within walking distance of every place we wanted to be. The small street was lined with houseboats on the water side and various buildings on the land side. It was a quiet spot and completely peaceful. We saw more kayakers than we saw bikes or cars.

This all sounds idyllic, right?

The houseboat was actually a fishing boat that had been converted for residential life.

The Airbnb listing described the boat as "rustic." Based on the carefully staged photos in the listing and a surprising lack of detail in the reviews, we thought that perhaps the Danish owner used rustic when he meant "simple" or maybe "cozy."

Oh boy, were we wrong.

The galley was in the pilot house. It absolutely reeked of diesel, so we had to leave all the windows and doors open at all times. It was also completely separate from the rest of the living areas so cooking or getting food meant going outside of the living quarters. This is Denmark. Even in mid-June it was chilly.

The living and sleeping areas of this boat were on two levels — the long white area on the left of the photo above and then down below the deck. The top level had a built-in platform bed and two daybeds that were child-sized. We were traveling with two teenagers, not children. Our taller teen ended up making a nest of pillows and cushions and sleeping on that.

The rest of the living space was below, which was accessed through an opening in the deck next to one of the beds and down a ladder staircase. Down there was a living room that we never used because it was cramped and smelled of fuel. We only went below deck in order to reach the bathroom.

Ahhhh, the bathroom. It was perfectly fine, except for the toilet. We were given instructions and strong admonitions to pee only and not flush ANYTHING, including toilet paper or solid waste. Used toilet paper went into the nearby uncovered wastebasket. Not following these instructions would lead to a hefty fee charged by the host.

"Big potty" was to take place at a bathroom ACROSS THE STREET. The instructions said to walk across the parking lot of a building that was always quiet and seemingly empty, go in a particular door, go down the stairs to the basement, and walk down the dark hall to the full bathroom there.

Y'all, this is exactly how murder scenes in horror movies are set up.

We were in Copenhagen for only a long weekend, but by the time we left, almost all of us were constipated. There's just no other way to say it.

You're probably thinking that I left a pretty negative review after that experience. I actually did not. I thought about it carefully, reread the listing to remind myself of how things were described, and left a review that was balanced and fair. I highlighted the good things but also made a point to give a bit more detail about the bathroom situation.

And I'm pretty sure I will never, ever dismiss the word "rustic" in an Airbnb listing.